One of the hottest current topics among the Corvette faithful has been what the next-gen C7 Corvette, slated to debut as a 2014 model, will be like. Jalopnik has published their own highly-accurate (according to them – just ask!) renderings of what the new Corvette will look like, and test mules have been photographed during winter testing. There has also been much speculation (perhaps too much) on what the future holds for Corvette powerplant development – a high-revving pushrod V8 featuring direct injection and some sort of displacement-on-demand arrangement seems like a sure bet, but there has been conjecture about engines as non-traditional as a small-displacement turbo V6 sitting between the fenders of the new C7.

Too True to be Good?

Well, here at Corvette Online, we pride ourselves on our inside connections at GM, and now, thanks to a strategic leak, we can reveal notes from the design team never before seen outside the cloistered and sworn-to-secrecy C7 Corvette engineering community. In order to protect our source(s) from reprisals, rather than reproducing the actual memo(s) here, we will be summarizing the critical bullet points. Here’s what you can expect for the 2014 model year:

  • Despite suggestions that led to a multimillion dollar engineering “tiger team” dead-end effort to create a mid-engined layout utilizing surplus LS4 drivetrain production capacity, the C7 will retain the “mid-front, transaxle, God help you if you need to replace the clutch” layout of the current generation Corvette.
  • Focus group feedback has led to the heads-up speedometer display being replaced with MP3 of action star Jason Statham shouting, “Floor it, you bloody wanker!” whenever RPM is below 2500.
  • Only America has the ability to provide genuine moon-rock inlay for vehicle interiors. Well, at least until China gets their act together. We might have been first to leave footprints, but they will be first to leave skeletons...

    Complaints about quality of interior compared to European rivals addressed by adding polished lunar rock inlay to shifter knob – let those bastards from Ferrari try to get some of that for themselves! We own the damn Moon… Note: All plastic components will still be sourced from recycled materials from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch to offset the cost of “liberating” lunar samples.

  • The current oil pressure sender for LS-series engines is failure-prone and in an inaccessible location; therefore future production engines will dispense with this sensor so as not to “ruin the surprise” of total oil pressure failure.
  • The increasing girth of the average new Corvette buyer has led to issues regarding seat comfort – to address this concern, the transmission tunnel will be offset 6-inches to the right and seat frame part numbers will be split into MLC (Mid Life Crisis) driver’s side and TSW (Trophy Second Wife) passenger side series.
  • Thanks to the difficulty obtaining replacement tires in suitable sizes for current-model C6 Corvettes at reasonable prices and availability rates, the C7 will be equipped with 185/75R15 M+S rated tires on all four corners. Performance Traction Management calibration may need to be altered – check with powertrain team to see if this can be done as a running change at the dealer level.
  • Experience with the popularity of “spy photos” of the ZL1 Camaro outfitted in checkerboard camouflage and C7 prototypes clad in black burlap has been taken into account; both will be optional available production finishes.
  • It's not that hard, folks. Pull the lever, leave the car...

    Due to numerous incidents of dead batteries ‘trapping’ C6 owners (and even one potential thief) inside the car despite clearly marked manual door releases, C7 standard options package will include a device that releases knockout gas into the cabin in the event of battery failure to ‘pacify’ occupants of the car until someone with the reading comprehension to understand the owners’ manual can arrive.

  • Complaints about exposed headlights (C1, C6) versus flip-up (C2-C5) addressed by switching to completely new LED-based lighting system patterned after the beloved Disneyland classic “Main Street Electrical Parade” integrated into the entire body surface.
  • PCM damage caused by leaking side-post batteries installed directly above sensitive electronics solved by moving the engine control computer to the outside of the passenger-side fender – note to marketing department for potential RPO for chromed or carbon-fiber PCM covers.

That’s it for our list of secret inside C7 info… Stay tuned, as there may be more critical information coming our way as the next-gen Corvette’s release date approaches!